Anxiety; my story... so far
Please read with an open and non judgemental mind, this is officially a safe free zone from judgment!!!
It’s time to face the title of my blog. Stop putting it off and write about what I really want to write about, why I started this blog in the first place! How am I going to help somebody else if I don’t put myself out there ‘bare all to the world’ and be a little support blog for others?
So, as you’ve probably gathered from the ‘anxiety confessions’ I suffer with pretty bad anxiety and I think the best place to start is the beginning.. Yes this is going to be a long blog post but if your not interested don’t read it, I’m not writing this for attention I’m writing it for me, for other anxiety sufferers and to make more people aware of ‘mental illness’
My anxiety started probably without me realising fully last November (2011) I went to University in Manchester in the September, left an amazing job that I loved, my amazing family, my boyfriend and everything I’ve ever known for ‘the big city’ where my life was going to change, but unfortunately for me it didn’t change in ways I thought it would. I hated it from the moment I had to get in the car and say goodbye to my Mum, Sunday 18th September my life officially changed and a year on I’m still trying to get it back! After nearly two months I came back for my birthday 5th November and just couldn’t go back, the thought made me physically sick I cried and finally told my mum how much it was getting me down and how I felt I’d made a mistake but didn’t want to fail or let anyone down, she told me to stay and not to force myself into doing something that was making me miserable to please other people! After hearing her say that it was final, I was never going back. I went back the following week to get my stuff, say good byes and officially leave uni, that day me and Chris (my boyfriend) went to Manchester and did that was such a relief but at the time I didn’t know what this big change and up raw in my life had caused.
Once I got back from University my anxiety well and truly kicked in, I was back in my safe place, my happy place and everything was going to get better and I’d get a job, but then I tried going out and I couldn’t and ever since Mid November last year I haven’t been out of my house until recently but still I can not go any where on my own or over a certain amount of time. I have panic attacks at the thought of having to go somewhere; I’m on high dosses of medication to literally get myself through the day with out having an anxiety attack. It’s horrible having all our independence ripped away from you, I can not explain how frustrating it feels to just want to open the front door and go some where, on my own with out someone having to be there but I just cant do it because when ever I’m in public I get panicky and feel sick, normally I am sick this is why I need someone with me to look after me and that can drive me back home straight away if needs be. To put it into prospective, anyone who knows my knows how much I adore my cousin Erin and how close we are and that she’s my best friend, New Years Eve as I couldn’t go out and Erin was staying in she invited me round to her house which is two doors up from my house and I couldn’t even do that at the time it took all my strength and determination to not be on my tod on New Years Eve to go round, once I was there I finally opened up to her and she was the first person apart from my mum that I told and she’s been amazing ever since.
I’ve become an awful lot closer to the people that matter in my life over the past year as something like this really does show you who is really there for you and after loosing all my ‘best’ friends I was left with no body I felt but now I can look back and in a strange way be thankful to my ‘illness’ for showing me who really care, all the flacky people as Chris likes to call them have shown their true colours and the true important people have shined through the horrible big black cloud! So I really need to say thank you to my extremely understanding mum, my amazing and strong minded dad, my beautiful and caring baby sister, my beyond amazing cousin Erin, my extremely understanding and my rock boyfriend Chris and his brilliant second mammy to me, mum, my beautiful, pregnant with my god baby, friend Charlotte and all of the friends and family that have stuck by me!
After the awful year it has been I’ve recently started seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and that’s why I want to write this blog, write about my journey and the steps I’m taking and how things are improving, like a diary that everyone else can read ha but that’s good, I want to make people understand and just because you cant physically see a problem doesn’t mean its not there and unfortunately for me during the past year that’s the main thing I’ve learnt, people cant understand therefore aren’t there for you. I’ve started counselling with the charity Mind in Ulverston every Friday so I think every Friday I’ll write a post on how it went and what I’ve learnt, so far I’ve learnt I’m not crazy and I AM AN AMAZINGLY STRONG PERSON who deserves to kick anxiety in the face and I will.. watch this space ;)
I truly hope at least one person benefits from this blog and blogs to come, thank you for reading if you did it means a lot!!
Next blog post will be Make up related promise! ;)